Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
