Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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