I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize