paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
