Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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