Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
