i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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