I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
