Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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