the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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