I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
