Please, let me fuck your mom
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
