i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
