You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize