they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
