you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
