So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
