You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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