I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
