my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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