Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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