life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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