I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
