Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
