Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
