Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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