the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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