How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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