Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
