Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He better not be in your backpack
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
