I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
