he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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