why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
