my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
