His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
