I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
