Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Randomize
