Can i not drive my cunt home
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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