I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
