2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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