My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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