I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
