I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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