i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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