i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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