i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
