Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
