He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
