guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
