Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
