Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
