I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just google imaged poop.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
