Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
