yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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