I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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