I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
